7/5/18

Maybe I should start writing again without the pressure of feeling like it needs to be anything perfect or amazing. Writing simply because there is nothing quite as lovely as the sound of the keyboard as thoughts pour out onto a page. I pour onto a page.

I have ideas. I have just never have the true confidence to believe anyone will think they are any good. I dream, sure. I think..."wouldn't it be cool if" or imagine myself accepting some award or chatting with a humble smile to a journalist about how I “never thought this would turn into something so big.” But that's just for a moment. A moment before all the fear and doubt floods in. I'm working on that.

Daniel helps in some ways. In others he is a reinforcer to all the doubt I have that I am special or different or important in any way. But we can get into that some other time. Right now I am just here to vomit some words.

So lets see. I do this probably once a year. The whole “I'm going to start journaling/writing again.” Then life and laziness gets in the way and I decide its a waste of time or I simply forget. But I miss it. I miss feeling at least the slightest bit creative. I miss feeling like I have a voice. Lately I think I'm feeling slightly adrift. It's what makes me so frustrated when Daniel speaks of his dreams. I think to myself...”just fucking do it...pick something and fucking do it.” But I know I'm not really upset or frustrated with him. I'm frustrated with myself. Angry that I am my own worst enemy. Angry that after trying so many things in life I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I mean, I am a great wife, or at least I think I'm pretty great and I'm very much in love. I am sure I will be a pretty good mom. But it's always easier for me to be great for other people. When it comes time to be great for myself, to believe in myself or support myself I think...

"nah your just a fraud...Sure, people think you're pretty, or smart, or hardworking...but you know the truth." I know I have a good heart. That matters to me. It's probably one of the only things I am confident about, that I have a kindness to me that people are drawn to. That's good...

Well maybe that's all for tonight. I don't really feel like I have all that much more to say right now that isn't depressing or boring. Feels good to write something tho.